This is our story:

by Cathy and Dave

In November 1999 my husband and I became Foster Parents to two small children.  They were placed with us with the intention of adopting them once parental rights were terminated.  We are an infertile couple just wanting to have a family.  Natalie was 3 and Jimmy was 16 mos old when they came to our home.  They are brother and sister.  Two absolutely adorable children.  A few months later Natalie's behavior started getting worse and worse.  Very defiant, had to control everything, superficially charming, indiscriminate affection to strangers, destructive to her belongings and ours, aggressive toward her brother and our dog, and masturbating with toys.

They were taken from their birth parents for severe neglect, abuse, and drug exposure.  Natalie was 2 and Jimmy was 5 mos.  They bounced around the foster care system and were in at least 3 homes until they came to ours.

The birth parents hadn't seen the kids for 7 mos. and once hearings for termination of parental rights started they came back in the picture.  The court granted them a supervised visit at the County office once a month (March 2000 - Dec. 2000) Jimmy didn't even know them and cried the whole time.  Natalie's behavior got even worse after every visit.

We sought therapeutic help for Natalie in October 2000 and she was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  The closer we got to her the more she pushed us away.  She had an attachment with her birth mother, but it was very dysfunctional (drugs).  She tried to re-create this dysfunction in our home, especially with me (Mom).  She would yell obscenities at me, pinch, kick, and spit in my face.  She would tell us she wanted to kill all of us.  On the surface with relatives, friends, & neighbors, she appeared to be a charming little girl.  Few saw the rage we saw in our home.

Parental Rights were finally terminated in Jan. 2001 and we began to start the adoption process.  Our first visit with the adoption worker went fine, then Natalie tried to choke her brother with a blanket over his head.  We were understandably concerned about this and worried about Jimmy's safety. Every time we voiced a concern the adoption worker would twist our words and say we were being negative about her.  She refused to believe this beautiful little girl had reactive attachment disorder.  She said "maybe my personality wasn't a fit with Natalie's", then "there are lots of people who would love to adopt a blonde haired, green eyed little girl", and "maybe an older, more laid back couple might be a better fit".  The adoption worker gave me a video titled "The first two years of life last forever"!  It was all so ironic! She was blaming us for Natalie's behavior, yet the video explained what damage is done when a child doesn't get their needs met in their first 2 years!  The more this woman tried to play down Natalie's problems, the more I tried to get her to understand.  We love this child, we want to help her!  We asked that she be classified as "special needs", and that the adoption agreement state that all future psychiatric needs would be covered.  She told us that Natalie was too young and she didn't want to label her.  She said I want to hear you say you are committed to adopting with no guarantee of future services.  I told her we were committed to adopting, but wouldn't sign final papers until we were comfortable with the agreement.

On March 29, 2001 we got a call that the kids were to be removed from our home.  They gave us a few hours to pack and say good-bye.  It was horrible! We had been their Mom and Dad for a year and a half, the only true home these children have ever had.  The adoption worker said it just wasn't a fit. Maybe she was attachment disordered!  She had been in our home only 4 times and never saw an accurate picture of our family life.  She refused to listen to our foster care agency supervisor, who had known us the whole time.  She wouldn't call our therapist.  She did no fact finding before ripping these kids out of a stable home.  We have tried so hard to let these kids know that a Mommy and Daddy could be trusted to keep them safe and protected.  In a matter of hours that trust was destroyed and we couldn't do anything to stop it.  They are in a temporary foster home now until adoptive parents are found.  I'm sure the new family will not have all the information on Natalie until the problems surface in their home.  I pray they are up to the task and will be as dedicated as we have been.  We are contacting the Director of Children's Services for this County today and hope she will listen. 

It's in God's Hands now.

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